Meditations On My Bladder

One of the interesting side effects to traveling in a country of bumpy roads where clean bathrooms are few and far between is that you spend a truly inordinate amount of time contemplating your bladder. The inner monologue on a typical day might run something like this:

[8 am, at breakfast]

Should I have another cup of tea? No. Peeing is bad. Okay, no tea. Good plan.

[Three hours later while bouncing through the jungle in a jeep]

Hmmm….do I have to pee? Nah.

*BOUNCE*

Correction. I definitely DO have to pee. Now what? Hmmmm…maybe I can just have the jeep stop and squat behind it. I’ll be shielded from view. That might work.

Uh oh, here comes two other jeeps filled with Indian families. Abort! Abort!

Okay, how about that tree? Will I be visible if I do my business behind that tree? Yes? Damn.

Well then how about that one? That looks large enough for privacy. Good…but there could be poison ivy. Or I might pee on a pit viper. He’s sure to take offense. Or what if a passing tiger mistakes my exposed rear for a deer haunch and decides to have a nibble?

Maybe I don’t have to go all that badly, afterall.